Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize