i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
