I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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