so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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