I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
