Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
