I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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