A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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