The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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