She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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