You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
