see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
