is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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