You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
