How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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