funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
