You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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