That's when you crack a 10am beer
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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