he told me I talked like a deaf person
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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