chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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