please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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