It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
