He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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