I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
