Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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