So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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