We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
