Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
