Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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