o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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