there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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