Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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