Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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