The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
