I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
