i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
