Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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