Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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