So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
