one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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