I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
