I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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