The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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