She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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