Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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