Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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