best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
