thus making me awesome and them whores
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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