somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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