I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
