do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
