I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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