I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize