when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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