Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
