party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
