She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
