my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
