u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
