don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
