If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
