imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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