my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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