I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
